No Sir, you may not lick the ketchup stain off my jeans...

If you're like me, you like the idea of giving money to homeless people. You might look at that $20 bill in their Tim Horton's cups and wish you had the heart, resources or genuine caring (or at least the God fearing guilt) that the person who placed it there must have. You might want to give something. You might even reach into your pocket and see if you have anything (smaller than a dime) to spare. Chances are, though, you are like the majority of downtown Torontonians who just walk by hoping that they won't get bum-stink on their jackets. And, frankly, I have always been one of these people. The problem is, I always seem to end up giving. Sure, it's usually because I make eye contact and then need to buy my way out of a stare down with the schizophrenic sporting a pedophile beard (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1809029), but I give nonetheless. I'll usually just toss a quarter or two their way and pretend they are spending it on gifts for their estranged children and not on costco-sized bottles of Listerine. The problem is, this has been happening all too often lately. With the amount of homless people I encounter on any given day, it is hard to keep any of my change at all. I needed an alternative. Something that would allow me to hang onto my coins while not feeling like I was kicking them while they're down. Maybe even something that would allow me to face eye contact without succumbing to pity-payments.

And then it hit me. Feigned respect.

I watch countless people walk by the homeless without acknowledging their existence, usually looking down or pretending to check their watch/phone/zipper. I can almost feel their relief as they cross the hypothetical line where it is assumed that no money will be changing hands. But isn't there a way they can traverse the boundary with their heads held high, pretending that they have done something useful? Yes. It is simple: call the person "Sir" or "Ma'am". Sounds too easy, but it works. These people are so used to being ignored that being called Sir or Ma'am has the same effect as calling me "Mighty King and Protector of the Weak" would. They look with bewilderment, wonder whether you are talking to them, and then quitely shed a tear of joy as you walk away (with your pockets full). You have given them something they rarely receive and get to walk away feeling good about yourself without so much as missing a step. It's a win-win situation that can be repeated as many times as necessary. Sure, they will probably get scurvy and die of complications in the near future, but isn't respect the best gift you could give (aside from some vitamin C)? Isn't it? If you want to sleep at night (or are a cheap bastard like me), you better start believing it.

*Note: Also works well when having no tip for a cab.