Talking Toilets!

Talking Toilets. It may sound exciting, it may sound scary, or you might be thinking it's just plain crazy. If the latter is your choice, just stop reading; you don't deserve to know the next, best innovation hitting the streets! This is an idea bourne from excessive workloads and imbibition of alcoholic beverages of the hops and barley orientation.

Before I present the lastest innovation in bathroom technology, I would like to share some existing creations:






Now, I'm not endorsing the use of these toilets at all. I think they're ludacris -- please don't be confused. I am merely presenting the fact that the toilet is itching for innovation and a new look.

Clearly there are some problems with existing toilets, since some people don't know how to use them effectively (and cause local flooding in certain bar and club scenes). As you can see below, one German establishment felt the need to explain to its guests how they should utilize toilets for excreting bowel contents:



With that being said, I should also mention that certain bar and club scenes would be the perfect target market for my innovative technology. As the title of this post gives away the basics of this innovation, I should assure you that although the toilets will "talk", they will be programmed not to "attack", as you may already be thinking (if you have read the outstanding novel by Dav Pilkey:



Now that I've been upfront and clarified many outstanding concerns, herein lays an idea that will change the way you take a dump.

Everybody knows the feeling of having to go to the bathroom at a bar. Nobody likes it. Why? Because it's no fun, it's embarrassing, and people often laugh at you rather than with you. Well, that can all change. Just imagine a toilet that can analyze the contents of what comes out of your ass? Strange, maybe. But wait, there's more! For only a quarter two, this toilet can do a whole host of functions! You can play 20 Questions: A guessing game of what you've eaten in the last 48 hours - with real voice recognition technology. You can have it announce (to the entire bathroom) how bad your excrement really smells, and have everyone cheer with you. Note: This can be modified so that it give you an absolute score out of 10, just in case you want to have a competition with some friends. The functions are really endless, but I don't want to give away too much, in hopes to commercialize this opportunity myself someday. There really are myriad business models here. I hope you can see how this concept can scale across industries. Just think: port-a-pottys! We already know these things are customizable, just watch this video, which should confirm any suspicions, port-a-pottys thrive on innovation (Note: You only have to watch the last 30 seconds. Oh, and it's in Japanese ... but don't worry about that!)




I hope you are convinced. Please share any comments and let me know your thoughts. Maybe we can go 50/50 on a business deal. Licensing opportunties? Yes, they are vast.

No Sir, you may not lick the ketchup stain off my jeans...

If you're like me, you like the idea of giving money to homeless people. You might look at that $20 bill in their Tim Horton's cups and wish you had the heart, resources or genuine caring (or at least the God fearing guilt) that the person who placed it there must have. You might want to give something. You might even reach into your pocket and see if you have anything (smaller than a dime) to spare. Chances are, though, you are like the majority of downtown Torontonians who just walk by hoping that they won't get bum-stink on their jackets. And, frankly, I have always been one of these people. The problem is, I always seem to end up giving. Sure, it's usually because I make eye contact and then need to buy my way out of a stare down with the schizophrenic sporting a pedophile beard (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1809029), but I give nonetheless. I'll usually just toss a quarter or two their way and pretend they are spending it on gifts for their estranged children and not on costco-sized bottles of Listerine. The problem is, this has been happening all too often lately. With the amount of homless people I encounter on any given day, it is hard to keep any of my change at all. I needed an alternative. Something that would allow me to hang onto my coins while not feeling like I was kicking them while they're down. Maybe even something that would allow me to face eye contact without succumbing to pity-payments.

And then it hit me. Feigned respect.

I watch countless people walk by the homeless without acknowledging their existence, usually looking down or pretending to check their watch/phone/zipper. I can almost feel their relief as they cross the hypothetical line where it is assumed that no money will be changing hands. But isn't there a way they can traverse the boundary with their heads held high, pretending that they have done something useful? Yes. It is simple: call the person "Sir" or "Ma'am". Sounds too easy, but it works. These people are so used to being ignored that being called Sir or Ma'am has the same effect as calling me "Mighty King and Protector of the Weak" would. They look with bewilderment, wonder whether you are talking to them, and then quitely shed a tear of joy as you walk away (with your pockets full). You have given them something they rarely receive and get to walk away feeling good about yourself without so much as missing a step. It's a win-win situation that can be repeated as many times as necessary. Sure, they will probably get scurvy and die of complications in the near future, but isn't respect the best gift you could give (aside from some vitamin C)? Isn't it? If you want to sleep at night (or are a cheap bastard like me), you better start believing it.

*Note: Also works well when having no tip for a cab.

Wait, did you really spend 3 days drawing me?

Following that excellent inaugural post by G Greg, I'd like to give all the readers out there a "what up!", and wish them a belated Happy April Fool's Day! Introductions? Sure. I am 24, Canadian, and I love a cold beer as much as the next guy.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am a big fan of technology, and a huge fan of a new discovery (of mine), coined "speedpainting" by some photoshop gurus! However, if I was Scarlett Johansson or Jennifer Love Hewitt, I might be just a little freaked out. A sketch artist, Nico Di Mattia, has a thing for these two and has clearly spent an inordinate amount of time carefully drawing each fine detail of their anatomy ... from scratch! (presented in time-lapse video in approximately 4-6 minutes)


Scarlett Johansson


Jennifer Love Hewitt

Although likely amazed, if either of those two happened to come across those videos, they would probably be thinking "Wait, did you really spend 3 days drawing me and capturing it on video?" If I was cruising around the web and stumbled upon a video of myself "speedpainted" by someone else, I honestly don't know what I would do.

It's truly amazing what's on the web these days, and to top off today's list of amazing feats using photo editors, check out this sketch of a sports car using nothing other than Microsoft Paint! That program is so useless, I can barely create a filled-in circle. I'm pretty sure the guy who made the video below falls into one of these categories: (a) he created MS paint, (b) he is using some sort of hacked version, or (c) he is using an MS paint skin on top of photoshop!


MS Paint God

Now, and most importantly: If you are reading this blog and can create a drawing from scratch like those above, I WANT one!

Dirty looks, the nicest mean thing you can do.

I'd like to begin by introducing myself. I am a 23 year old science graduate with aims at medical school, but despite being short doctors for a million patients.. schools don't want me. I'm active and read profusely and I have a penchant for buggary. And excluding the second part of the last sentence, I'm telling mostly the truth.

I recently saw a video that everyone should see, is seeing, or has seen before but presented differenly. I'm talking about a Mr. Pausch's Last Lecture. This is an eleven minute lecture this academic presented to his students after being diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. It is an amazing video that makes me want to cry, etc. What I'm amazed with is how blatantly people like Oprah use these people as a product. This guy pours his heart out to his class and does it in a very serious manner, and then Oprah makes big advertising bucks from selling commercials in between his lecture and talking to him. Pausch doesn't present anything we didn't already know, but he presents it earnestly and wholeheartedly.

The experience is different as a Youtube video than it is on Oprah. I believe this is because the experience is diluted in candy-coated tv fantasy land. You watch shows like this expecting to be scared of something by the eponymous America's Doctors, or made to feel grateful by being shown someone less fortunate than you. It may be a good way to get exposure for certain groups or social blights, but it is not honest. This is the crux of Pausch's lecture: Live Honestly. In this case the medium destroys the message. You turn off the tv and suddenly problems don't exist anymore, like they're trapped inside.

This is not a product of tv personalities, it's a culture and media issue. For the most part we want to care and love and fix everything... but not if we have to do anything. We learn all about problems that are occuring in the world around us and we feel connected and good about ourselves for caring. We're not caring. It's just voyeurism, and it's a terrible character trait. Its brothers are gossip and jealousy. By "getting involved" in surface skimming media presentations, it is so easy to ignore reality.

This type of exposure to the world is its shallowest incarnation. You come away from these experiences feeling a little hollower because you haven't interpreted it your way, just absorbed it. No, just let is wash over you and away. This is the direction we are all heading, and I predict more depression, more suicide, more idiopathic diseases and more apathy.

I challenge myself and everyone else to eschew unreal reality tv, CNN sob stories, and tabloid fears.